Unlocking the Door to Intimacy: My Journey with Vulnerability, Fear, and God's Guidance
Knock, Knock! I heard faintly in my head. I was enjoying the beautiful views of Buckhead as I drove. My frequency was high, and I was entirely grateful for what God allowed me to experience. "Who's there?" I replied in an optimistic voice. Intimacy. The voice replied. Not home! I screamed in a panic-stricken tone as I quickly locked every lock on the imaginary door in my mind. Intimacy was not going to get me. I thought. Immediately, my throat started to feel like it was closing, and short, quick breaths followed. I felt a panic attack quickly approaching. Not wanting to go into a full-on panic attack on the ramp, I dropped the air conditioner to 60 degrees, pressed the intensity button to full blast, and shifted the vent towards me. Who unlocked the locks on my mental love door, and why was I thinking about intimacy? Scared of having any more thoughts, I shifted my focus to merging onto Highway 75. It was a beautiful Friday, so I did not get far on the highway before I was stuck in Atlanta traffic.
Eager to keep my mind busy, I thought about marketing and this blog. Unable to keep a flowing thought, I started calling all the people I enjoyed talking to and knew would shift my thoughts. No one answered. Knock, Knock, I heard again. This time, the knocks were a lot clearer and more demanding. Yes, Lord? I said timidly. You know why I am here. Open the door. Fear ensued, and immediately, the tears began to flow. I slowly unlocked the locks on the door and turned the knob. God is so good. He let me have my time while allowing the smooth sounds of Paul Desmond to soothe my soul. But He'd be back.
You're probably wondering how this reaction came about. After much diving, I realized that people can be disappointing, and I don’t want to be disappointed. Therefore, I choose to keep things very casual with most people. I was taught that your immediate family is all you have; the rest will deceive you to get what they want or need. So, with all of that talk, who needs intimacy??? While growing up, I looked at intimacy as a way to get caught up. I watched girls cry as the perceived love of their lives moved on to the next girl and heard the stories and the rumors the guys openly told to the whole school. That was not going to be me. And it wasn't. As an adult, I've entertained vulnerability and intimacy several times. Both led me to years of feeling inadequate, depressed, and self-conscious. Again, why would I be open to intimacy and its cousins??? I was GOOD. Heck, I was good on love. Loving Geo was all I needed.
A few weekends ago, a fun girls' road trip turned into the perfect environment for Him to gently yet sternly bring up the subject of intimacy. Listen, He knows He has to bring out the big guns for this subject because I will completely time out of humanity to ignore this. My big sis is my accountability partner and someone I hold in high regard. If He was using her, He wasn't playing with me. "Sis, you have to be vulnerable." She said. As she said, vul I could feel my soul trying to leave my body and my spirit politely snatching it back. "Ah, Ah, Ahh, where are you going?" My spirit asked. Take a seat for this conversation. It said sternly, snatching my soul back into my body. With nowhere to go, I immediately felt the storm cloud of tears begin forming, and a tsunami descended on my Laura Mercier setting powder. Why? I asked. Because you are love, she replied. How does a person who loves love so much not want to experience intimacy? She asked. I had no response. Only tears as the slow jams of her favorite YouTube band played.
Since the first knock at my mental love door, I have been processing intimacy. Thinking about what intimacy really is and how God has positioned me to experience it and express it. I purchased the book The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved by Matthew Kelly last year but wasn't remotely interested in reading it. Recently, I had a desire to read a love story, but I also wanted it to have self-help elements, so I went back and forth and back and forth on what I wanted to read. If you follow me on Instagram, you'll see what I mean.
I finally opened the book because I figured it would help me understand intimacy, and I am pleased to say it was exactly what I was yearning for. In Matthew Kelly's book, The Seven Levels of Intimacy (2005), I've learned the following:
Intimacy is not sex. I truly believed that sex was intimacy up until last year. I didn’t know that intimacy was sharing every aspect of yourself with the person. Intimacy is physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. It starts off with understanding oneself, which makes sense as to why this is where God is choosing to shine his light. Emotional intimacy is a mountain for me. I am slowly climbing it and am grateful for my achievements so far.
To be truly intimate with another person is to share every aspect of yourself with that person. Just thinking about sharing every aspect of myself with someone gives me the hee-bee jee-bees. BUT! God has slowly ushered me into this life of intimacy by giving me great friends. My girls have forced me to share myself with them by sharing themselves with me. They have especially challenged me on the emotional side of things. Starting with dreams, goals, and aspirations to getting to the nitty-gritty of finances, we've been there and done that. I would not be climbing the mountain of emotional intimacy without them.
Loneliness stems from the fear of rejection. As I sit here writing this post, I am witnessing loneliness and the fear of rejection. It is weird how one minute you can be excited to see someone and hear your ego go to work on the what-ifs in the same minute. Making you second guess everything happy thought. In Marc Anthony’s Tu Amor Me Hace Bien, he says, La vida es una (Life is one). You get one chance in this life; why waste it on fear? I won’t lie; I am the queen of batting on the second ball, but wouldn’t it be great to hit the ball out of the park on the first pitch? I am learning that sometimes going for what you want is true success.
This time, I am going all in on the intimacy trail. I truly believe that God is walking with me on this path. He knows how nervous I am, and He has promised to walk with me all the way. I know without a shadow of a doubt that the promises of the Lord NEVER return void but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. Isaiah 55:11 NIV He is not a man that He should lie. Numbers 23:19 Thank you, Pastor Mo, for planting that seed in fertile ground. I will never forget it. I'll keep you all posted on how this intimacy walk goes. I am sure the tests are on the horizon.
Question: What are your thoughts about intimacy? What lessons have you learned from allowing yourself to be seen?
Until next week!
Love,
Charlene
Reference:
Kelly, M. (2005). The seven levels of intimacy: The art of loving and the joy of being loved. Beacon Publishing.
