Breaking Free: Embracing Love and Saying Yes to Life After Years of Holding Back
"Charlene, look at me." He said in a gentle yet stern voice as he grabbed my hand. The conversation somehow shifted to a subject where I had become the focus. I slowly inched my fingers down his palm as he tightened his grip. I enjoyed the rough yet soft texture of his palm, but boy was emotional from the amount of vulnerability he was asking me to have at this moment with my sis and his friend around us. Why did I need to look at him? What was he going to say? How was I going to react? Woah, woah, woah! How did we get here? I had a million thoughts running around in my head all at once. Don't look. A small voice whispered. Look at him. He is soooooo damn fine. Another thought uttered. Girl, look him in his eyes. You've been waiting for this time to present itself for over a year. A voice that sounded like a character in the audiobook I read earlier in the week entered. I snatched all my thoughts and threw them in the trash bin of my mind, where all my girl, you are wild, thoughts went to die. My head down and eyes focused on the wood grain of the mahogany table, I said no, my heart racing, my pits sweating, and the moment slipping away. "Okay." He said in a gentle voice. Letting go of my hand. The conversation shifted. I was relieved and a little irritated with myself.
For far too long, I've been trapped in a cycle of saying no when I truly want to say yes in my life. These No's, instead of healing my wounded heart, have confined it within a crystal box. This box, a marvel to those who dare to look, is a barrier that has prevented friends, suitors, and lovers from exploring the vast cosmos of my love-filled heart. It has even stopped me from believing that I have love to give.
I once heard someone say, "Life is for the living." That short yet powerful statement has stuck with me to this day. So, why am I so afraid to live? I've listened to Ted Talks, podcasts, and audiobooks about living. Always satisfied with their answers, never really in search of my own. What is living anyway? Living, in its basic definition, is having life. But there is more to living than having life. I am a thinker, so of course, I had to look up its philosophical meaning. In philosophy, living is the experience of existence, shaped by the pursuit of meaning, purpose, and fulfillment. What is living if we aren't in the pursuit of these things? In my opinion, it is digging a grave of unhappiness.
Everyone has their version of why they choose not to live a life of unlimited opportunities. I decided on this life because I don't trust my thoughts that aren't in alignment with the collective thought, a.k.a. they will ruffle the feathers of the people I hold near and dear to me. I've also been trained to listen to instructions and execute without question because of my career choices. Also, l have received hard spankings from life due to my decision-making. These lessons have chained me to a path of the straight and narrow. But is that living?????
Fudge, NO! I'm trying not to cuss, so please go with me. LOL! I see it now! It is not living if I approach situations with fear, allowing my fear cycle to take charge of my decision-making.
I see a pattern in my fear cycle. It begins with procrastination, and then a list of questions and statements starts to fog my mind and cloud my judgment. Here are a few questions and statements:
What will your family and your friends say about this decision?
Girl, if you go down this road, do you know everything that can happen?
Are you sure this is what is really happening? What if they meant something else?
Chile, if this doesn't work out, you can't come back from this.
And my favorite, do you really know what to do?
Once these questions start rolling, No sits at the tip of my tongue, waiting for its que to make an appearance, creating missed opportunities and an avalanche of regret. Always leading me to ask myself yet again: why???
While ruminating over the subject of living, I stumbled upon Epicurus, who believed life should be lived in pursuit of pleasure, understood as tranquility and freedom from fear. The more I read into Epicurean philosophy, the more I develop a deeper understanding of how I choose to live my life. But more than that, I choose to stand on this: There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 1 John 4:18.
