Healing from Self-Sabotage: Does God Give Second Chances in Love?

Looking in the mirror has a different meaning.

As I travel on this healing journey, I am realizing what love is. What it looks like, what it feels like, where I experienced and am experiencing it during this lifetime. This week, a relationship that I buried in the depths of my soul made its way to the surface, forcing me to heal the pain I never processed. Does God allow “Do-overs?’ This is the question I am asking myself as I listen to the ocean waves, and my heart bleeds from losing precisely what I am searching for in a partner right now. We’ve all heard the saying by the brilliant Joni Mitchell, “You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.” Well, reader, I realize what I had, and now it is gone. Imagine asking God to send you someone who would love you despite your faults. He sent you that person, and once you received him, you sabotaged the entire relationship because you did not understand your self-worth. Not even an engagement ring could not outshine my self-destructive behavior.

That person for me was JL whom I met in the summer of 2006 at Kunsan AB in South Korea. I was fresh off of having my heart ripped out of my chest, thrown in the meat grinder, and stepped on for the remaining remnants of love and blood to be served as a fine wine by someone I would do anything for. I thought this person cared for me, but his actions did not match. He proved to be like every other man I knew on my life’s journey. The type of man that I saw and heard about from the women in my family. Men that had the exact characteristics of my father. We’ll talk about this guy another day. I was left wrecked, jaded, and feeling unsafe. But, like most young and dumb people, I hit Korea fast and hard. I was Hurricane Charlene. Just like a hurricane, I started off slow. Making my way towards land. Every male experience brought forth more rain, wind, and thunderstorms. As my heart broke, so did everything in my path. When I came up for air, I was a category 5, filled with strong winds of broken heart debris- dark and hard. Broken hearts break hearts, a lesson I slowly learned through this process.

So, let’s talk about the man who loved me in the middle of my rage and destruction. From the moment that I met JL, he captured my attention. His blue eyes, brown hair, and slightly tanned skin made his green and brown bdu uniform look soooo good. His smile was soft and welcoming. His straight face was always business, but that is what you get when encountering a man who is aware, ambitious, and a leader. What I loved most was that he was very wise, gentle, warm, and kind. He was a transparent, open communicator. Unafraid to explain his upbringing, community, and his thoughts about the outside world. I would conveniently find excuses to make trips to Vehicle Operations for work purposes when I needed absolutely nothing. I did this to enjoy exchanging innocent glances and conversations about fake operation needs. Little did I know that our discussions would lead to a night of karaoke, a toga party, and a trip to Guam that would kindle a fire between us.

My eyes never had a problem staring into his blue eyes. Sometimes, I would float in his gaze and become mesmerized. Allowing him to see all of the pretty parts of my soul, forgetting that I was icing over. I enjoyed watching his eyes pay attention to my subtle movements, my likes, dislikes, and everything in between. His Love was amazing. He was the calm that slowed the destruction of Hurricane Charlene. After a fun drunken night, he told me he was going to marry me. I laughed it off. Yea, right. Me? He’s just talking gibberish, I thought. When he officially asked a month later during a movie that he and I weren’t paying attention to, I said yes. I began to weaken my defenses. I was no longer a hurricane, or so I thought.

Upon opening my eyes, a week or so later, the first question I was met with was how could someone genuinely love the mess I had become? Am I fully capable of being a wife? Let alone his wife. JL was as ambitious as I was. Would I be able to support him and myself during this time? Did I forget all the promises and hopes that never made it to the light? I started thinking of the stories of the women and men in my family who loved someone only to be met with affairs, abuse, etc. Self-sabotage was knocking at my door, and I could feel the churning of water and wind. Hurricane Charlene was gaining strength. As the days and weeks went by, JL and I continued as usual. He was leaving for his new duty station, and I wanted to enjoy our time. The thoughts never left. They just continued to compound quietly. If you understand the ego, you know it elicits emotions that require you to understand who you are to tame the noise. I did not know anything about myself besides that I could not be loved by anyone besides my immediate family members. To me, everything that my ego was saying was true. I needed to save myself from the inevitable pain. I decided to save myself when JL left for his new duty station. After all, long distance relationships never work, right?

I want to pause this story to make you aware that when self-sabotage is present, these actions are vital indicators that something is wrong internally and that you must look at yourself. This a lesson that I have recently learned as I expand my life. Self-sabotage does not always look like self-medication, excess use of drugs and alcohol, or self-harm. It can show up as avoidance, infidelity, criticism of your partner, jealousy, and trust issues. When you see this, take the time to communicate what you are feeling to yourself and those closest to you. Transition and transformation will bring up things that do not only affect you. It can and most likely will affect those around you. To minimize the damage to others, you must communicate.

I did not know how to receive all of the love JL was giving me, especially long distance. I could barely keep up with his marriage conversations and decided to let it flow, a.k.a. ignore the very big turn my life was taking. So, I immersed myself in work. An excellent hiding place for an ambitious person on the run from love and the learned patterns. Back then, I did not know that my upbringing did not teach me how to allow others to love me. It did not teach me that love in partnership was something afforded to everyone. Nope. It taught me that having a partner would end up in disappointment. That marriage would be for a short time. A partner could come and go as he pleased, so ensuring I could care for myself was my priority.

Now, I see how all of these narratives were the demise of our love. This thought process would ultimately put me into flight mode, where my mission was to keep myself safe. Abandonment will make you feel unworthy of love and cause you to believe that if a person has chosen you, they will ultimately leave. When you are constantly focused on the person leaving, it is impossible to build a loving relationship. JL focused on us and tried everything in his power to ensure I understood how much he loved me. I focused on myself and did nothing to show him I loved or cared about us. Hurricane Charlene, category 4, was making her way to shore and was about to create devastation.

As I immersed myself in work, I became more and more distant. JL and I were both busy, and I could tell he was tired of doing everything to keep this relationship afloat. I would make excuses for falling short, and he would forgive me until one night when my selfishness was the last straw. JL did not yell; he did not leave. He did communicate his disdain for my behavior and questioned my love for him. I could tell that he felt alone. I tried to make it up to him, but for the first time, he rejected my love. “Told you so,” my ego said. As I boarded the plane to head home, I began to count the days to the end of the relationship. I knew it wouldn’t last forever. As I sit here, I can only observe my younger Self. How selfish could I be to look at him without seeing how I was pushing him further and further away? As I said in an earlier paragraph, self-sabotage will cause you to be overly critical of your partner when you should be looking at yourself.

On a late night, while JL was deployed, he called me. I was in a deep sleep, but his heartbreak woke me up. He told me that the relationship was not working. He felt that I did not care about him. At the time, his call broke my heart, but it also bought relief. I was no longer hurting him. He finally chose himself, and I understood clearly that this was the best for him. He deserved better than me. I was still a hurricane, and my increase in category was inevitable. I didn’t cry. I tried, but I knew he deserved so much better than me. So, why cry? I whipped the few tears that fell from my eyes and went back to bed. As I laid in my bed, my ego reminded me that people you love will leave you. Like most people accustomed to being abandoned, I moved on without missing a step.

JL crossed my mind a few times over the next few years. Social media was in full effect, so I found him on Facebook and the global. I sent him a few nasty grams out of anger and missing him. I wanted him to give me some type of reaction. Or maybe I wanted to see his words across my screen, reminding me of what it felt to be with someone who truly loved you. He did not reply to either message. I wasn’t worth the frustration, I assume. I don’t blame him. He had given me all he had. It was him or me, and he chose him. I will never be mad at that. I am proud of him for choosing to save himself from me.

JL, I love you. I am sorry, and I apologize for hurting you. Please forgive me. You deserved a better me. I hope you found better. I hope your heart found the love it desired and that life became precisely what you desired. You are a beautiful, kind person who deserves to experience the love they give out. Thank you for showing me the love I didn’t know existed. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams so that I would heal this dark space within. Thank you for being the light on my path of love.

So, you are probably wondering why I ask if God does do-overs. As I sit here watching the waves crash on this Destin beach, I realize I had exactly what I am praying for now. JL’s characteristics are what I desire in a partner now. I met love in this lifetime and want to experience it again. This time I plan to give it wholeheartedly. Healing my heart has shown me what love truly looks like and how to show love to a partner. This do-over may not come with JL, but I believe it will come with someone. I have learned from my mistakes, and this time I can make healthier choices for my partner and myself. I am love, and love is me. My love desires to patiently hold space and grow with someone who wants to experience the same.

Update: To answer the question I asked in the title. Does God give second chances at love? Yes, He absolutely does. The thing that I am learning is that I must be responsible with the heart of my next love and my own.

Love, Charlene