Beyond the Groundhog Day: Co-Creating a Life Outside the Regular Programming
SZA's Good Days blared next to me as I tapped the letters on the keyboard, only to quickly delete them and start over. The dull numbing sounds of the keys remind me that nothing happens unless I take a step. Day after day, I'd been scribbling in my forest green moleskin, transferring notes over to my notes app in hopes that anything would spark a light that would allow me to get another blog post out, take a risk, or do something new.
Over the last two weeks, writing and doing anything out of my routine has been anything but flowy. My mind bounced between "what is" in the present moment, the possibility of the future, and sliding into the past, where I was more outgoing and creative. Creating this new little life in itself has been a task. The art of my life looks like a blurred painting, and I am trying to make out what is happening to tell the story. Not to forget the constant clamoring of my ego to look at reality from adult eyes. We all know that life becomes no fun when ego joins the group chat.
I find myself echoing the questions, Who am I? What do I want to do? Who do I want to be? I laugh because I am aware enough to know that I need to ground myself so that I do not fly into the crazy unhinged parts of my head. I meditate in the mornings. Grounding into my body every day with the reassurance that I am safe in my body. It is interesting how my mind can run off a cliff anytime, so I don't play with mine. Living in a new country means I can't run to my mom, sister, or friends when my thoughts spiral, so I have to be mindful of how I handle my inner dialogue. Then, off to morning reading. I will be reading The Course in Miracles for the next few months. A game changer on what it means to really live a life of love and inner peace. In the evenings, I sit and watch two swans do their courtship ritual by creating a heart shape with their necks. A reminder that my person is out there and I am closer than I think. Despite these grounding practices, over the last few days, I've found myself trapped in some sort of groundhog day—each morning blending into the next without distinction." I guess this feeling is my soul telling me I am building uninteresting habits. Isn't it interesting how we are wise enough to put in the practices yet unable to break out of the regular schedule programming?
Back in my 20s, calling a friend, drinking, and going to a club or bar would be the million-dollar answer to numbing the feeling of monotony. In my 40s, in a new country, I've quickly learned that this is not the best course of action. I tried it, was blocked at the beginning of every poor thought, and caught a nasty cold for the second time as a reminder that this is not the answer. LOL! So, I am learning that the freedom, tenacity, vigor, and relentlessness pumping through my veins do not carry the same vibration as my 20s. This vibration has a higher frequency and new meaning—less about escaping reality through temporary distractions and more about creating a sustainable joy that doesn't leave me depleted the next morning. I'll be honest; holding on to the familiar is always less scary than grabbing for the unknown. But, the default setting of self does not work on this elevated level of my life. This means stepping into the unknown is a must, and I must understand that God's promise to love me still is His promise as I walk in uncharted territories. Even though the picture is fuzzy, He has equipped me with everything I need in my 40s to build a life of love and joy.
As I write this, I realize the picture isn't as fuzzy as I think, making writing this piece flowy for me. My mind isn't blocked. It is actually clear. I just am afraid to put a voice to the life I visualize because I fear that what I visualize will be labeled dream. As I continue to process this, I realize that it isn't the label from people that concerns me—it's the label from myself. That critical inner voice that whispers 'impractical' or ' be a responsible adult' whenever I dare to imagine something extraordinary. I am scared to see the parts of me that still don't believe I could co-create the world I see in my dreams. Isn't it interesting how you will hide your desires from yourself to stay far away from disappointment? Like how I've buried my dream of falling in love, getting married again, and writing a New York Times Best Seller book under layers of 'someday' and 'when the time is right,' protecting myself from the possibility of failure.
I guess it is safe to say that if I don't believe what I visualize is possible, how can I co-create with God? Faith requires action, and co-creation means showing up to the canvas even when I can't yet see the full picture clearly. Making it essential to take the first step, which is simply acknowledging these dreams without judgment. More on this as I process and learn to trust both myself and divine timing.
So, tell me what one small step could you take today toward the life you visualize but fear to name?
